avercat

making all things new…

Posted on: January 23, 2011

I was five then, walking by myself down an isle with red carpet and blond-wood pews.  I stood until my legs hurt at the altar as people shook my hand over and over and over… The baptismal robes ballooned out around my body as I descended into warmer than expected waters.  I couldn’t swim so I stood on a cinder block the audience could not see.  Five seems awfully young to my eleven-year-old mind, to have made such a serious decision.  I weep with overwhelming guilt at the thought of not being able to remember more.  No moment.  No prayer.  No change. But what will the other girls think?  I’m already a Christian, not to mention this new-found dark pleasure with my blossoming body that I don’t understand, that I mustn’t utter to any other living being, for surely I’m the only one with such an abnormal habit.  I must be evil at my very core.  No.  I will stay silent and pray and weep here in my pew.  Fifteen does not care what anyone thinks.  There are no friends to impress now and I understand that I am normal, that I am broken, that Christ’s blood would be a new chance.  I will step forth, I will confess, I will beg Christ’s entrance, I will change… I will.

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